Like millions of celebrity obsessed fans in the USA, I’ve been following along and reading every bit of news about the feud between Trump and Rosie O’Donnell. Most of it belongs on a cheap ticket comedy show and some have been purely fabricated. It must be as why would a man with an obviously ridiculous comb-over seriously call a slightly overweight woman a “mental midget?” Has he looked at himself in the mirror recently?

It all started earlier this week when the Miss USA show, for you people who just crawled out from underneath your rock, a beauty pageant show co-owned by Trump, was scandalously muddled across the media because the recently crowned Miss USA’s under-age drinking and debauchery lifestyle jeopardized the moral decency of the title that she’s supposed to uphold. I think the media was more interested in exploiting the photos of a young gorgeous woman kissing another woman than the fact that she was Miss USA. That was merely icing on the cake. Nonetheless, it brought out the big dog, Trump. Trump called a press conference to tell the world his final decision on the future of Miss USA. At the news conference, Trump went into his judgmental Apprentice mode and informed the press that while he doesn’t condone Miss USA’s behavior, he will not remove her title. She would have to enter rehab.

Rosie decided that enough was enough. She went on her show, The View, and told the audience that comb-over should not be so hypocritical as to be the moral compass for young adults. He has indeed been married twice, left both of them, had children with both, and each time for a younger woman. His current wife is half his age!

I thought it was funny up to this point. Next I read that Trump called Rosie a fat slob, ugly, and a loser. This man must have been smoking crack. She was just stating a simple obvious truth that we all have been thinking (and laughing about) and have never had the opportunity to say it. She called him morally challenged and she supported it with his own disastrous track record in his marital behavior. Honestly, the comb-over comment is excruciating painfully but funny and he certainly cannot deny the fact that what he does with his hair cannot be mistaken for anything less than humorous. While I don’t truly believe or agree with everything that Rosie said about him, I do believe that in a society where free speech is still a major force in our constitution and our democracy, Trump should not be resorting to such low life comments that personally attacks a person on such a fundamental level. She’s overweight but that does not make her a loser. She’s crude and she speaks the truth, but it does not mean that you can threaten her life for it. That type of bully behaviour belongs on the streets with the warmongers and crack-dealers.

Additionally, his comments about Rosie attempted to create a nexus between her behavior to the Iraq war. Does he really think it’s people like Rosie that caused the Iraq war? This man needs to look himself in the mirror, give his comb-over a name, and recognize that it is people like him, who capitalizes on manipulating and exploiting people that are the driving forces behind the delusional warmongers that deceptively took us to war with Iraq.

Lets momentarily assess the foundation of what Miss USA stands for. Does it rely on academics or moral intelligence? Does it rely on desirable talents? Does it rely on what one has contributed to society or accomplished thus far? It does none of this except for what the tiny pink, blue, gold, or silver bikini and lovely hair extensions can do to enhance your breasts and tighten your tummy and thighs. By owning the Miss USA pageant, Trump is part of an institution that perpetuates and promotes an unnatural and unrealistic notion of beauty. Women are paraded around in tiny bikinis and stilettos while judges, usually old white men with a token female, decide who is the ideal woman to hold the title. Should someone who earns a living promoting this show really be the moral compass for teens? Moreover, should someone who can’t even maintain his own personal life above the morals that he imposes on his minion be the moral compass for teens?

What a laughable hypocrisy! Have you seen the last few seasons of The Apprentice? Let me point something out as I was a huge fan until recently - all the contestants are slim and young. The women, in particular, are usually referred to and deciphered based on their looks, not their credentials, their completed projects or intelligence. The men are usually distinguished by their Alma mater, not by their hair color or the color of their tops. There was one overweight guy in the show in the last season, and we knew it was a matter of time before he was booted, but not one, fat/overweight woman on the show, ever. By the way, the fat guy was referred to as the fat/stinky/loud/obnoxious guy the entire season. Had this been the Miss USA beauty pageant, he would have been the ideal judge on the panel.

Trump is a McJoke and a McLoser.

I’ve decided to blog about a topic I’m quite knowledgeable about because not only am I an in law, I have tons and tons in my family. First of all, why do we refer to our spouses’ families as the in laws, considering it could easily be confused with the word outlaws. Sometimes it carries the same meaning, slated to mean something closer, almost familial, but viscerally it comes across with more stigma then love or affection.

I have some great in laws.

First, they live in another country. It would take them approximately 10 hours to get to my front door, and that doesn’t even include travel time to and from the airport. The blinding blessing is that I never have to worry about an unanticipated visit. Additionally, now that I’m moving to Bangkok, bringing travel time to 12 hours, it’s very unlikely that a visit will be forthcoming any time in the foreseeable future.

I am in a great situation with my in laws. They appreciate my quirkiness because it’s only once a year, sometimes every other year. I appreciate their culture and idiosyncrasies so long as it’s only two-three weeks a year. All in all, they rarely see me and I rarely see them. I think the arrangement has worked well for everyone, except, of course, Hubby.

Hubby enjoys spending time with Binlaw, but Binlaw is usually either too busy or indifferent to visit more than once a year. Probably best since every time they get together there’s an inexplicable coincidence that there’s never any alcohol left in the house. Interestingly, albeit bizarre, they tend to suffer from momentary black out periods, which I have a nagging suspicion is alcohol induced particularly since recovery usually takes effect soon after Binlaw leaves.

I have other in laws - those married to my siblings and those wishing to become a member. Lets talk about the latter.

It’s fascinating to encounter people that have such strong, misguided inclinations to become a part of an in law group. Foolishly, they demonstrate absolute entitlement to be a member despite the lack of any effort or invitation. Mere association with a member of the group does not automatically, indoctrinate, or entitle you to the benefits that existing members have been paying their hard earned dues for. That’s pure arrogance, if not ignorant. Everyone should pay their dues before becoming a member. How else will you earn the respect and acceptance from the group members? Do you go to Costco without paying your membership dues? Can you go to the gym without paying first month, last month, and processing fees?

Some people gain quasi- in law status simply because they have attended all the meetings and over time, have endured to become equivalent to a fixture, such as a secretary takes notes, you come to rely on the member that comes to every meeting. So you can certainly gain quasi-in law status by default. Not a true full-fledged member, nonetheless entitled to most of the benefits. Compare that to people who show up for one or two meetings and foolishly, deludely, think that they are now card carrying members.

Personally, I think to be an in law, you have to commit to the entire looney group and not just the one member you’re associated with. Commitment is a virtue. It requires endurance and hard work - an attribute I find some in laws to be lacking.

So you may want to know why anyone would want to be an in law, let alone one in my family. Well, there’s the food. At every meeting, we eat exotic and comforting foods. It varies from meeting to meeting, but generally it’s an elaborate buffet or some home cooked delicacy. Yummy!

The second reason is the companionship. We are a large, noisy, rambunctious group. We exude warmth and affection, even when we bicker and yell, but the love is visceral.

The third reason is that humans enjoy congregating in groups. Whether socially or otherwise, a group provides strength purely in numbers and confidence as you actually belong to a group. Furthermore, it’s much more fun to be in a group then going at it solo.

Finally, some people just don’t have a choice. You can pick who you marry but not necessarily who they’re related to. Can one emancipate from in laws? Emancipation might be key.

Got McInlaws?

Called Continental Airlines today to inquire about credit that I accrued because I had canceled a flight to the Bahamas. Was put on hold for 40 minutes before I decided to try again another time. Not sure why it took me 40 minutes to come to that decision but it’s probably due to the fact that while I had it on speaker phone I had forgotten that I was still on hold.

Called back again an hour later and the wait was 5 minutes, but in this twisted universe, I wish I had disconnected earlier. The weenie that answered informed me that not only will I not be able to use the credit for anything other then another flight, I will have to pay an extra $100 to use the credit. Upon hearing this, I asked that she confirm what she had just said, and then it turned ugly. She was starting her spiel from the beginning, as most “well-trained” customer service representatives are told to do, I interrupted her to tell her that it was not necessary to repeat her spiel but to just cut to the part about the $100 fee. Weenie said that had I not interrupted her she would have gotten to that point. Taking a deep, slow breathe, I informed her that I don’t need the spiel this morning, best if she saves it for someone who needs to hear it three, maybe four times, that I only need the bottom line. Get to point of the question, please. Weenie indicated that I needed to book another flight, but depending on the cost of the ticket, I may need to pay the difference and if it’s less, I’d get another travel voucher.

I had another question, I asked if that means I would be charged another $100 for using the voucher. The spiel started again from the beginning…. Big breathe now as I asked her to save me from another repeat of aggravation and near lunacy as I was about to inform her that this would be the third time I heard the spiel. After the 40 minutes on hold, I was not prepared for another 6 minutes of repeat as weenie read from a prepared handbook on the company’s policy on purchasing tickets/cancellation and how to treat customers that are smarter then them. I was prepared for a simple, “yes, we will greedily charge you an additional $100 for each and every time you want to use your credit because we’re the slime bucket of the corporate world designed to suck any living joy and cash out of your pocket to enrich our directors’ wallets and keep the shareholders happy so that we get to keep our customer representative jobs - as that’s exactly what corporate tells us is the most desirable, sought after position in the industry. Only McJob is more desirable. Oh, and yes, you’re correct, we’re heading to bankruptcy to reorganize because people are catching on that we’re blood-sucking leeches trying to fatten our wallets and the investors are pulling out their capital and the government is refusing to back our loans.” Oops, I digress.. lets get back to the moral of this story.

Thirty seconds later and I was able to get winch to confirm that yes, it would cause me another $100 to use the travel voucher if I were lucky enough to have any credit left after booking the flight.

Why is it so difficult for people to think outside the box and actually provide services that you want rather than what they think you need? Further, why is rudeness so prevalent in the customer service industry? Is that part of their training? It goes something like this, when a customer asks if you can confirm this information with a yes/no response, inject attitude and repeat. If this doesn’t work, raise your voice, intimidate and bully so customer will mistake scare tactic as intelligence. If customer should want to ask something you don’t know because you were asleep on the day of this training, inject hostility and try to make customer seem stupid for asking a question you don’t know the answer to. If this doesn’t work, sigh heavily and while speaking loudly and slowly, repeat yourself three times so that customer will think that repetitiveness is equivalent to a high I.Q. Finally, if customer should ask to speak to supervisor, put one of your buddies on the phone - that’s priceless insurance that you will always be the dumbest, rudest customer service representative in the company. Even your buddy will be smarter than you.

Got McJob?

As I sit here and think about what I should and should not say as relevant to the few readers, I’m galvanized by the fact that I need to censor my thoughts and ranting. If I can’t complaint, moan and emote in my own spot then I mind as well go into my closet and get into the fetal position. Life is almost over.

Can’t say what I really think as it might offend, can’t really do what I really want as it might be offend, can’t really emote as much as it might make people uncomfortable, and definitely can’t really blog as much as I might miscommunicate. Here’s the solution!

Say what you want when you blog and deal with the consequences later, if at all. Say what you want while you still can as life, as we’re constantly reminded yet again, is way too short. Do what you like because you might be robbed and lose all your pittance money all too soon, and emote whenever possible as you don’t know when that person will soon not care.

This is all coming at a time when I’m ready, albeit less eager, to leave all I’m comfortable and accustomed to to delve into a land of foreign beer and bizarre idiosyncracies. I no speak Thai! How can I pack over 30 years of life accumulation into two 70 lb bags!! How can I distinguish between items I really need versus what I might need and never need but would like it nonetheless!?!? Honestly, I’ve given so much stuff to Goodwill this year that I should become a shareholder, or start my own non-profit org. I’m keeping Goodwill in style this year!

I decided to ask inlaw to take some stuff to inlaw’s foreign land so to lighten my load at customs in Thailand. Bigger dilemna is to sort out what to send to the cold country versus the weather challenged one. Cold country require warm, thick clothes with long boots whereas Thailand would be great for tanks and shorts - both of which I own none of. Should be simple but I feel separation anxiety from what I know to what I think I may have to inebriated to appreciate. Moaning again.

I’ve censored my moaning so as to not offend. Inlaw said in few words that I need to abrogate my personal belongings to what is essential. Inlaw obviously does not appreciate the fact that for a woman, everything is essential. Need that compact hairdryer, that particular alpha-hydroxide moisturizer and the same top that comes in 5 different colors. There are other items, but since this is about censorship - it shall not be mentioned.

When is inlaw leaving again???

The inevitable will go someting like this…. we arrive in Bangkok and never ever return to the states, wherein our families and friends will forget our existence as we would transcend into the mystique of “going native” and deny that we even know where California is. Well, that’s Plan A.

Plan B is if we fail miserably in Bangkok we’d take the next overnight haul to London and beg our in-laws, hubby’s family, to take us in until we can establish ourselves from the indignity of defeat in Bangkok. Or until they throw us out in sheer desperation before their homicidal tendencies kick in. Whatever the case, I think we’ll have a blast in Bangkok. People have been promising to come out and visit once we’ve established residency there, but I do hope they change their minds. It’s not that I don’t want to entertain, I’d rather not have them show up and by default, appoint me as their designated tour guide. What a horrendous chore that would be to constantly repeat myself, “That there is a temple. That there is heavy traffic which results in severe pollution, igniting any asthma episode that may be lurking in your system, and no, not everyone here is a prostitute or pimp.”

Seriously, if people say they plan to come visit they should. Why else say it? It doesn’t make me like them more for saying it, or less for not saying it. It actually annoys me because I was hoping to never talk to some of these people again. By coming to Bangkok to see me, the understanding is that I’d have to somehow maintain a pretense of courtesy and affection for people whom I have very little interest in once I board that flight to commence my nativity journey. A tsunami deterrence strategy is in order.

It seems many are keen on Plan B, some even insisting that we skip Plan A and go directly to Plan B. Can you play Monopoly and skip Park Place and collect without paying? I don’t think so. In order for us to truly appreciate and long for London is to immerse ourselves completely in the life and culture of Thailand. Get enough food poisoning and poor paying jobs so last us for at least half a decade before we can appreciate the pain of living in a 400 square foot flatshare in London. Yes, that’s life in London. If we’re lucky enough to ingrate ourselves in our inlaws’ place, we’d at least have a place to recuperate from the jet lag. If only they live in London and not the land of curries and Indian food galore. (sighing)

So now I think it’s final. I’ve turned in my notice to all my friends, family, and business associates so there’s no turning back at this point. Good or bad, it’s better to do this now then contemplate it any further and procrastinate, or worse yet, to become complacent with where you’re at and what you’re doing. I hate living life wondering what could’ve happened or could’ve been if I had made a different decision in my life. No one should live that way as life is too short (pardon the cliche).

The next quest now is to figure out when in January we should leave. It looks more and more like it’ll be toward the end, closer to my birthday and definitely before Vietnamese New Years. It’s suppose to be bad luck to travel during that time and particularly so if you’re starting over. You have to have consistency and stability the first week of New Year or else the entire year will bring you nothing but bad luck. I do not need that right now. It doesn’t really matter if it’s before or after New Year, it just can’t be during that time. I’d like to start out the year with a bit of luck and visceral positivity. Where are we moving to? Bangkok.

In anticipation of our departure, my buddy from law school came down to see me this weekend. While I had a fantastic time catching up with him and meeting his new gf, I was astounded by the fact that he has not changed, physically or socially, in the seven years I’ve known him. Some people have a knack for maintaining their looks without much effort, and while most credit genetics, I simply believe that they are just damn fastidious about hygiene and exercise. If you eat right, take care of yourself by spending more than 10 minutes on yourself every day, and exercise, you can literally live for a long time. It’s interesting that people usually blame the media, their parents for perpetuating their bad habits, and genetics for all their problems. I say that after 20, you’re on your own so deal with it!

As I saw my friend extricate himself from his new sleek black Z4, I realized that the part of him that’s changed is financial. He makes more money now than in our law school days when we had to share hotdogs and each other’s rice portions because we couldn’t afford a decent meal. I think we were much thinner too because of it. In the last few years, he’s done quite well for himself, creating a niche at corporate America where his Harvard degree still stands prominent at any interview level and ubiquitous eye-winking from those that had preceded him from the same familial institution. Life has treated him well.

Pretty women has always been my friend’s mainstay. He perpetually has a beautiful woman on his arm. It’s almost as if they are extensions of him. He adores them in different shapes, sizes, and ethnicities, but always the constant factor of being beautiful. This is probably due to the fact that my friend is probably the most charming and out-going guy on this side of the state. He is always polite and courteous, with a halo of positivity that permeates those around him, and he is an overall nice guy. Sad but true that those qualities all wrapped in one package are quite rare these days. True to his nature, he is the same to me every time we talk. But what makes my friend stand out is that he has always been honest with me, whether it’s about my issues or his, you can always count on him to be consistently honest.

In the seven years I’ve known him, he has maintained the same level of friendship and affection that any true person would. That’s what makes him special. I’ve only met one other person like him in my entire life, and I wisely married him. My friend and my husband are good friends. They enjoy each other’s company tremendously as they have many things in common. I only see my friend once a year, when I make the journey to Newport Beach or when he comes in my neck of the woods - which has not been often enough. The last visit was prompted by the news that we are packing up and moving to Thailand and the inevitable….